ISLET 1

nursing school chronicles: 1

2011-01-22T19:53:00.000-05:00

Things are already becoming intense and it’s only week 2 of the semester. I’ve been trying to stay on top of the reading and all craziness related to nursing. I don’t want to be as stressed out as I was last semester. Did the ropes course on Tuesday of this week and I surprised myself by not freaking out over heights as usual. I talked myself into trying everything at least once and in a way it was good for me. Found out that life in general gives you as much as you are willing to put into it. There is my nugget of wisdom for the day. ... Even though I’m sure I read that someplace else back when I still read books for fun. Does writing about our lives make us more narcissistic or just more aware? Maybe it a bit of both….there we go again with the grey areas. I miss black and white, and defined edges, and certainty!

In other news , I finally stuck to the exercise routine, let’s hope it survives clinicals and I don’t find myself lying on the living room floor asking myself why I’m doing this even though it exhausts me both mentally and physically. I never questioned myself so much until nursing school. Everything seems to have shifted, including the ground underneath my feet. I’m even questioning questioning. But according to the research class, questions are good. Apparently that’s how all the cool stuff starts. ..Somebody somewhere said "but why?" So I’ll keep questioning and finding the gaps. Maybe I’ll send up flares and draw some attention, or I’ll make a quiet discovery and be content. Who knows.

Christmas blues

2010-12-15T00:45:00.000-05:00

The smell of roasted chicken on the 24^th, the light in the eyes of your siblings as they anticipate the feasting of the next day, the acceptance of family, regardless of what the year has been like, the sound of Jim reeves and Boney M playing in the background ……It was in moments like these that our world stood still. We forgot our challenges, we forgot our fears and for 5 minutes, we had the time of our lives and danced without a care in the world. We didn’t have much, but for some reason it felt like we had everything.

Sometimes you feel like the “missing” is going to kill you , like the separation from loved ones is too much, like there no point in moving forward if you aren’t moving with the people you love. Sometimes home is a faraway place, and longing takes its permanent place in your heart, and laughter and cheer can only go so far, they scratch at the surface of your twisted, pining heart, and are a temporary relief to the gnawing ache that is born of a change that arrived before its time, before you were ready for it. Sometimes home is a long way from where you are, and trees and candles and all the material things can’t feel the void , they can’t seem to cut through the tangible thickness that seems to have only one cure, albeit one beyond your reach . Sometimes you can’t help wanting what you want, and much as you cover it up with pride, courage and gratefulness for whats left, a part of you still wants what it wants. The best you can do stop hitting your head against the wall by fighting it.

Because i'm on my way to being a great nurse....

2010-09-23T21:11:00.001-04:00

Another one of those crazy tests that make you question learning styles that have worked for ages but are producing crappy results lately. WEIRD! I’m slightly perturbed by nursing testing. I don’t like being confused. I don’t like studying for days and then being frazzled by questions that are designed have two good answers but one BEST answer. Pathophysiology is hard but at least there is only one right answer. I can live with being wrong when I’m wrong without question. I’m a squares not circles person, and while I’m making an effort to be open minded and think outside the box/circle and all the brouhaha that goes with it, I actually like it when things fit..I like defined boundaries; I think they are essential to my sanity. I’d also like to not have someone on the other side thinking up ways to make things even more complicated. I am aware that I can’t have everything I want the way i want it so before you(I’m referring to everyone who’s been dishing out unsolicited , impractical, condescending half-ass advice) tell me to suck it up and deal with it realize that I’m entitled to a rant.

Deception

2010-07-23T03:17:00.000-04:00

Darkness masquerades as a friend,

not just mere inspiration

for loosely morbid poetry

it seems as if it knows me best

seeing all

neither aiding nor standing in the way

surrounding me in the depths of the war over my soul,

comforting me when i fail ,

reluctantly acknowledging my victory

should i emerge a temporary master

of self and selfishness,

cautioning and enabling

a short lived celebration.

eventually

the struggle between good and evil ensues...

the outcome is never certain,

and darkness,

the kind whose presence is most felt at 3:00am

nearly fools me into believing it is a friend.

giving free reign to thought

2010-07-03T02:26:00.001-04:00

my writing is sporadic at best. and to those to whom this makes any difference in their lives, i apologize. life gets hectic. this is only a conduit of release, and while opportunities to indulge may often present themselves,sometimes it's easier to stay out of my own mind than to face the reality of what i'll find...or fail to find. this is what's in here right now....
1. cant remember what it feels like to keep things simple. what a tangled web I've weaved
2. it's kinda hard to dislike contradiction when it's the one word that most accurately defines you
3. i need to stop caring about what other people think about xyz....it's a stifling way to live
4. the Good Book says we are "like a vapor in the wind". very humbling if you think about it
5. nostalgia : the thing that makes you think you miss the very things you may have once greatly disliked (currently it's being someone else's responsibility)
6. All the best people are entirely bonkers, Mad hatter was right
7. we change our shape in order to keep from snapping in half -see even the trees give lessons on life
8. i cant wait to ask my maker why the gene for long,silky black hair skipped me...and almost everyone before me
9. i'm really hoping your were not expecting 10 moderately interesting thoughts... my excuse is that 9 is the new 10 ( if only for today)

oh well....

2010-06-04T20:40:00.002-04:00

At 8:45 pm, in my bed in a foreign country I finally come to the realization of what’s really been bugging me. What’s made me freak out the boyfriend with sudden unexplained tears to which in his great wisdom he attributes to hormones. Can’t agree with him, can’t refute it either. Life does feel like a roller coaster ride for the most part. I haven’t written in forever, haven’t cared too. Been too busy being bogged down by my insignificance and the impermanence of my existence even as all this great stuff was happening in my life. It’s what we all long for, a fulfilling life, the prospect of true love, a very real possibility that all our life’s dreams could come true. It’s kinda scary when you realize don’t really know what to do with it because you don’t really know who you really are. There!!!! That’s what’s bugging me… I’m having trouble finding self, and it’s on nights like these when you regret having watched more tv in 3 weeks than anyone should watch in a lifetime(unless they don’t mind having mush in the place of grey matter) . With the reluctance of a willing addict you turn the damn thing off and for fear of your own thoughts turn to the comfort of a book…right after a short rant with run-on sentences that a much loved but a tad too grammatically correct best friend will find very irritating…….

introspection

2010-01-14T10:19:00.000-05:00

strangers in my house

my mind

my life.

undefined edges

blurred faces

feelings....places.

fluid thoughts

join together-

an endless stream

of what used to be,

might have been ,

If Only...

the truth

2009-12-06T15:00:00.000-05:00

It is the scariest thing in the world. It has the power to break hearts, it has the power to heal us. They say it can set us free. I dont know, it might depend on the truth you see, sometimes it feels like the truth just might be the death of me. I know it can eat us from within, constantly battering our insides as if our life depends on it. The truth maybe the hardest thing to bear, but it still is the truth, sooner than later, whether kicking and screaming or having been beaten into desperate submission by the weight of it all, it's something we all have to face. And if we are fortunate enough,we come out bruised and broken..... but alive.

Blasted possibilities

2009-11-10T00:06:00.000-05:00

Hope is a funny thing.
Existing even when we will it not to.
In spite of reason
Or obvious evidence pointing to the contrary,
It refuses to die.
it fools you into thinking
you are done with it
you cant feel or see it anymore.

Convinced that you’ve beaten it
buried it deep into the ground
even planted grass
to cover it’s optimistic head
you say to yourself
‘hope has breathed its final breath,
hope which dare not die …..is dead.’
Finally you can rest
After all, one need not worry about the dead!

You forget that hope is a funny thing.
Till you are struck
By a kicked-in-the-gut feeling
It catches you unaware...
a hard fast blow
that leaves you reeling in shock.
You realize that while it hid, it grew
It spread its roots in your very core.
It thrived in you and you never even knew.
Blasted possibilities!

You’d tried to avoid this exact feeling,
of losing something that you know
never quite really was yours.
But hope is a funny funny thing,
and so are blasted possibilities!

To whom it may concern.....

2009-11-08T19:41:00.001-05:00

the only thing to come out of this long absence is an intense disgust for all things cute( stories, books, beliefs, even tissue) and a creepy desire for anything that is shocking. There is a stranger in my mind,throwing stuff around , shaking it up a little bit which might explain why i cant quite write coherently. my girlfriends think i'm in a weird place and it's just a phase. my sister keeps wondering why i'm so dysfunctional and where the disconnect with fellow humans comes from. all i do look, listen and return to operating at bare minimum. Having given you an update ,i'm returning to my cave to perhaps retrieve my scripted and much more easily read personality .Crazier stuff has happened to people so there's no need to worry. I will return........maybe.

Love is not all: it is not meat nor drink

2009-09-18T10:38:00.000-04:00

Love is not all: it is not meat nor drink
Nor slumber nor a roof against the rain;
Nor yet a floating spar to men that sink
And rise and sink and rise and sink again;

Love can not fill the thickened lung with breath,
Nor clean the blood, nor set the fractured bone;
Yet many a man is making friends with death
Even as I speak, for lack of love alone.

It well may be that in a difficult hour,
Pinned down by pain and moaning for release,
Or nagged by want past resolution's power,
I might be driven to sell your love for peace,
Or trade the memory of this night for food.
It well may be. I do not think I would.

Edna St. Vincent Millay

*i love it when the words of another hit home.

Untitled.

2009-09-01T23:42:00.000-04:00

And so I dance

Hoping you’ll notice

the girl behind the makeup,

you don’t have to remember

and I shouldn’t expect you to

you get what you paid for,

I put food on my table

just another girl

hoping she’s special

so I’ll keep dancing

pretend our eyes didn’t meet

a moment’s recognition,

dismissed as an illusion

as always

The lights will go out

tomorrow there’ll be another girl

perhaps prettier

maybe more skilled

definitely not me

gotta pull a crowd

or you’re out

and so I dance tonight

with everything I’ve got

Unseen,

even as the spotlight shines on me!

Release?!?!?!?

2009-08-22T21:29:00.006-04:00

it's Saturday night. I'm at home. in bed . with my best friend. no, not like that. She's not feeling too good. I'm truthfully not any better. so we lie here in silence. it doesn't fix anything. but i feel a lot less alone. And in my world that is a good thing....most of the time.
"in a room full of people but as lonely as hell" that's her line, not mine. it echoes what my heart knows only too well. I spend my days being nice, trying to make connections with people that i don't even think i like, doing my job because it is after all what i signed my self up for. that's what life is like right? i should be glad i have a job and all that positive junk we constantly feed each other to help us get through life no matter how crappy it gets.
so at the end of the day i shuffle my exhausted self into my apartment , too spent to really talk to the people i actually care about about things i care about. i make a half hearted attempt at actually communicating with God but that doesn't go very far. i feel like he left me out on a limb and if he's a good as they say he is why wont he give me a break? It's like I'm a spider and he's pinned me down by one leg (the way used to torture the ones i found in the bathroom when i was a kid) and no matter what i do I'm going to have to come back and settle stuff with him. And even though i know and i deserve it for having done stuff i shouldn't have, it pisses me off. i honestly don't like him very much in moments like these. I hate the trapped feeling. once again I'm aware of how alone i am on so many different levels.
But there is no point in complaining. so we lie here in silence. Hoping the gaps will narrow. Hoping that hope will live past little sorrows. Hoping in tomorrow.

things floating in my sleep deprived mind

2009-08-16T04:19:00.001-04:00

somtimes the thing we resist so much is the one thing that we need.we clutch at straws and atttempt to jump onto a ship that has already set sail. i am addicted to stability and i fight with everything i have to hold onto what i know because i'm scared to death of what i dont know.i linger over familiar places trying to recreate that which has already passed. why is it so much simpler to look backwards instead of wrapping my mind around where i'm headed....why am i so afraid?

battles nobody sees

2009-07-24T22:42:00.000-04:00

I am fine, I act fine. I live fine. In fact , fine is me! I put my issues in a box, and stack it far away. I compartmentalize my life in order to survive. After all, a lie told to self over and over again starts become reality. Once in a while I pull out the box and go to familiar places but the trick is not to stay to long. EVER. Well, today I lingered over a thought and my compartments all disappeared. I tried to catch the spreading mess but my hands could only reach so far. It was more aggressive than I had imagined. It forced its way out, enjoying the new found freedom and suffocating me with every inch gained. I knew this day would come but I don’t remember ever thinking it would be this way. I’d have thought of the proverbial plan B because right now I’m running butt naked in the rain to keep sane.

***If light is the only thing that can dispel darkness why is the light only just flickering? What happened to bright searing beams?

today i saw a man for a man.

2009-07-01T10:13:00.000-04:00

Calloused hands,

rough hewn features

broody eyes, a sunburn.

He said he found it strange

that the manner in which i talked

reminded him of her

life had once been kinder to him

there was a twinkle in his eye

as he spoke of long lost dreams

a smile skirted across his lips

and in an instant it was gone

his face fell back into

it's a calm resigned state.

He said the only thing worse

than tragedy, was owning it

and refusing to let it go.

Today I saw a man for a man,

trying not to be the bitter kind.

What i will not tell you

2009-06-27T15:09:00.001-04:00

I feel you in the brush of the wind,
I smell you in the fruity cocktail of spring,
I hear you speak in the recesses of my mind,
I remember the touch of your hand on mine,
I miss you,
with everything that I am.

music in the breaking glass

2009-06-24T16:35:00.000-04:00

……….And then the dam breaks. It’s been too much for too long. Once the barrier is breached there really is no turning back. We all believe in something until that faith is dealt a blow that fells it to the ground. Desperate effort is made to maintain some sort of semblance to normalcy. Some people call it damage control. Trying to save face seeing as the battle is already lost. Like a flimsy flame on a windy night it does not stand a chance. Sometimes the darkness is just overwhelming…even to Light. I guess it’s time to find the music in the breaking glass.

for 2216

2009-06-16T16:15:00.000-04:00

I’m inextricably wrapped up in you.
Don’t try to undo what it’s taken years to build.
You may tug at the ends a little, allow room for the inevitable.
Explore. Discover. Paint the sky a different hue.
Live unafraid. I’m learning to do that too.
But please don’t run too far for me to find you.
I like being entangled in you.
I’d like to think that finding you means finding me.

Wishful thinking?!?!?!

2009-06-14T15:00:00.000-04:00

.......its complicated. but we can make it work . We use the good to help us through the bad. we hold on tight when all reason would dictate that we let go. we go beyond what we think and feel at a material moment . things change, sometimes right before our very eyes. thats when you really know, love is a choice not a feeling. As in every relationship there comes a time when the warm fuzzy feeling is dead and cold .Then what? out of the passionless days a deeper love CAN grow. if I can love you when I dont understand you , when we aren't reading from the same script anymore and nothing feels the way it used to, if I can wait,hope and pray just long enough.....maybe we'll find us again. MAYBE. IF.

letter to my little sister.....

2009-05-11T23:48:00.000-04:00

I often think about you. it's hard knowing that you are out there somewhere, sometimes needing me but surviving without, perhaps wanting to have nothing to do with me becuase it's less painful that way. or maybe be that's just the way we were raised -to close our eyes to what's right in front of us, respect the wishes of those older and wiser even when we know that it simply postpones the reality of having to deal with situations till later. I imagine you are fine. making do with what life has alloted you and finding joy in the little things. I know you miss daddy . I did too. I missed him so bad I made up this crazy place in my head in which he could do no wrong. I pictured happy reunions and glorious happy ever-afters every night before i went to sleep. That's what love does when forced apart. It magnifies the good and glosses over the bad. Still ,it's such imagination that helped me make it through.I see him as often as i want now. But there is no getting back the time we've lost. Only comfort is that his actions were in love and there is no way I can hold that against him...and I hope that you don't either. There is so much I want to share with you....Your life is a lot bigger than you know, school is hard but it pays off, boys come and go, smart girls know when it's time to let go, life is scary place but you can make it if you take time to pray. i'd love so much to be for you everything that I needed when I was your age. yet all I can do is hope that your in safe hands and that you'll turn out alright. I hope you know deep down that someone somewhere loves you and believes in you. ..Just like real sisters do.

....just in case you have forgotten

2009-04-19T13:37:00.000-04:00

He is enough.

no measure of wrong

no heart of stone

no depth of hurt

no tear in the night

no bondage to sin

no fear within

not even a stubborn will

is beyond His hand,

His touch,

His love.

Cuts

2009-03-02T16:46:00.002-05:00

we cut to hurt
then we cut to heal,
we cut to explore, fix or reveal
we cut to conceal.
corners. truth. sickness. youth. ties.
we cut to survive
or just to be sure we're still alive.
we cut in an attempt to end misery,then die in it!

mirrored by a tree.

2009-02-23T11:49:00.016-05:00

twisted bark and carved arches

life has etched it's mark on me

my roots run deep and so do my cracks

I'm standing tall, but scared I'll fall.

my shadow is a giver, my soul-a taker

I reap from the ground

only to have my fruit ripped from me.

I reach for the heights,

and must contend with nature's laws,

time, season and gravity.

strangers lean on me,

they stop to catch their breath

then move on as they please...

occasionally they'll nest for a while

if the weather so conspires

till autumn comes like clockwork

sending them off in pursuit of more

just as my leaves start to fall

leaving me out there, a lonely bared soul.

i see the smoke from fires

fueled by my brothers

and wonder what fate awaits me,

will i burn or will i rot,

will be carved into something fancy

be set on a pedestal to be shown off

polished and cherished

for the rest of my life

or maybe I'll always be simply a tree

rooted to a spot but altogether free

to embrace my constant friend -the wind,

and longingly wait for spring.

because You are here

2009-02-15T14:53:00.000-05:00

It looks better than it has in a while,
I can laugh and dance,
let the warmth in all the way inside,
I've got faith that if seek i'll find,
I 'm not afraid of making mistakes,
I know You'll provide me with a way out
You wont let me run too far,
and when I think I have-You'll come find me
Yours is a love that knows no bounds
mine - a heart that's thawed.

"Dont ever die"

2009-02-04T23:50:00.013-05:00

…..these words from a TV series keep running through my head. This was someone’s way of telling another that they needed them alive, In spite of everything- and nothing. Human beings have a way of losing sight of what is really important until it slips right out from under them. Then denial, confusion and regret set in and before we know it we can no longer separate ourselves from the wretched thing that we call our lives. We can try and fix it as best we know how, but it never really is completely restored. All around us are broken and patched up people busying themselves with moving on. I can tell because I am one of them. Maybe you are too…or not. Either way, do find a way to let people you care when you still can. As scary as it sounds to be putting yourself out there, it’s a lot less painful than wondering what could have been if only.....

whatever helps you sleep at night.

2009-01-28T23:49:00.126-05:00

and so I run from the truth even as it stares me right in the face. I compromise, make excuses , stretch boundaries, take back my own words... anything to help me feel better about missing the mark. Perhaps having lived a lie for so long I may be able to turn it into reality. I look at the world through rose tinted glasses hoping that the good I continually fail to find in myself is somewhere in somebody else. There has got to be somebody out there who has got it together, right? and even though nobody's perfect.....some people seem to come pretty close. I like to think that there is a trace of beauty in their flaws. That's why I shouldnt lose hope...I should dig deep and try to find the gem within.....even if this means sorting through so much junk. it'll pay off in the end. Yeah. Sure.

Rain?!?

2009-01-13T19:57:00.007-05:00

Rain has always had an equivocal effect on me, threatening and soothing in the same breath. Unbridled passions and the unaffected parts of me that I dare not show (even to self) are inspired by the gushing rain...suddenly they are free to run unashamedly through my mind. The drops falling from their high places are like thoughts and feelings that are finally being released, allowed to run their course and find their destinies. Some bind themselves to something greater and gain momentum as they go. Others destroy what ever is standing in their way only to meet a similar fate or be abandoned. Like all torrents, they eventually wane. Whatever makes it through is left awakened and refreshed . The lingering sadness over what has been lost is intertwined with the excitement of the new. Nature though often unclear does give birth to clarity. The cold on the outside compels us to deal with the cold within.

The Doubter's Prayer- Anne Bronte

2009-01-01T00:33:00.001-05:00

Eternal Power, of earth and air!

Unseen, yet seen in all around,

Remote, but dwelling everywhere,

Though silent, heard in every sound;

If e'er thine ear in mercy bent,

When wretched mortals cried to Thee,

And if, indeed, Thy Son was sent,

To save lost sinners such as me:

Then hear me now,while kneeling here,I

lift to thee my heart and eye,

And all my soul ascends in prayer,

OH, GIVE ME--GIVE ME FAITH! I cry.

Without some glimmering in my heart,

I could not raise this fervent prayer;

But, oh! a stronger light impart,

And in Thy mercy fix it there.

While Faith is with me, I am blest;

It turns my darkest night to day;

But while I clasp it to my breast,

I often feel it slide away.

Then, cold and dark, my spirit sinks,

To see my light of life depart;

And every fiend of Hell, methinks,

Enjoys the anguish of my heart.

What shall I do, if all my love,

My hopes, my toil, are cast away,

And if there be no God above,

To hear and bless me when I pray?

If this be vain delusion all,

If death be an eternal sleep,

And none can hear my secret call,

Or see the silent tears I weep!

Oh, help me, God!

For thou alone Canst my distracted soul relieve;

Forsake it not: it is thine own,

Though weak, yet longing to believe.

Oh, drive these cruel doubts away;

And make me know, that Thou art God!

A faith, that shines by night and day,

Will lighten every earthly load.

If I believe that Jesus died,

And waking, rose to reign above;

Then surely Sorrow, Sin, and Pride,

Must yield to Peace, and Hope, and Love.

And all the blessed words He said

Will strength and holy joy impart:

A shield of safety o'er my head,

A spring of comfort in my heart.

** Sometimes you stumble across the words of another that so aptly mirror your thoughts and feelings that you are left wondering how similar the human experience can be.

things i've learned from the men in my life.

2008-12-19T20:52:00.004-05:00

1. to look fear in the face and not run.

2. to do what needs to be done, the best way i can.

3. to be proud of who i am, butnot let that get in the way of who i can become.

4. to give of myself until there is nothing more to give.

5. to rise above mistakes,no matter how grave.

6. to make sacrifices, and find joy and putting others before self.

7. to never stop dreaming, for dreams are the buds from which great achievement sprouts.

8. to remember that inspite of all the evidence pointing to the contrary...God does exist.

9. that although life mays take some unexpected turns, it is never an excuse enough for me to give up.

10.that strong winds make strong trees only when the roots run deep.

11. to savour the present, because i can never be absolutely sure of tomorrow's sunrise.

12. to consider the careless abandon of children at play, and realise that sometimes like them I need to stop trying to fix everthing and abandon myself to God's providence.

P.s.I know without a doubt that i couldn't have been given a better father and brother.

You and I

2008-12-10T14:36:00.008-05:00

together we are like fire,

smoking,sweltering,then burning

flames doing a twisted dance,

flaring and falling as if in a trance,

casting shadows , teasing the eyes

raising the hope of a putrid heart

threatening but comforting

I pray it lasts or that time be still,

while i relish the endless possibilty

and savour you and me

coals red and hot,

glowing as if eternal

with potence multiplied

by their union....

then miles apart

dead and cold,

almost is if it never was,

but for the ashes.

On writing.......

2008-12-04T16:13:00.008-05:00

Writers should not be afraid. The selective universality of human experience ensures that someone somewhere will understand what we are talking about. Many writers have been abhorred before they were applauded. Many who really made a difference did not live to see it. But that did not get in their way. Draw into the resources hidden within you and let your words speak for you. The legitimate desire to be better at what we do should not drive us to become something that we are not. Let your thoughts be yours. A man may be bound in chains but as long as he can still think independently ,he is as free as a bird. Learn from those before you, let the influences around you provoke you to explore the possibilties. But when the pen meets the paper, be true to yourself....tell the story as only you can.

"And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self doubt."
Sylvia Plath

Layered in Love

2008-11-16T13:12:00.005-05:00

Its easy to get weary,and to let go of what i already know,
and even easier to forget what you've led me through before,
when i am blinded by the present need,
i fail to see how much help i've already recieved,
i start to look through my alternatives,
trying to fix when i know i should yield.
i feel the distance growing and still,
I leave you on the outside as the battles rage within.
i get lost in the same self that led me to the crazy place that i am in,
and i keep banging on the same doors that i always do,
with the false hope that maybe this time i will find a way- by myself.
You let me try things my way because that's what love does
.....it doesn't interfere with free will.
It's up to me to reach for you.
You hate to watch me struggle
but you know i must in order to grow.
and when i finally reach my end,
and this prodigal in utter despair comes home,
you are there.
to fix the fraying edges of my sanity,
to heal my stubborn and worn heart.
to love me back to where i was meant to be.
Deserving nothing but a thrashing,
i'm given more than i hope for, more than in need.
i'm Layered in Love.

Bereft.

2008-11-06T15:54:00.001-05:00

feels like a lifetime between the last time we spoke and now,
can't help but wonder how things are,
how much you've changed- I know we both have,
but knowing it's inevitable does not make it any more bearable.
"Everything is fine," I say that to myself and whoever cares to listen,
hoping that those around me are more convinced than I am.
but I say it anyway. I want to hope. I want to make believe.
I'll settle for anything but the reality...
that I am here and you're there...
and that missing you is the only thing that I have infinite ability to do.
The strange feeling that I spend half my time running away from settles once more
and all I can do is sigh.
I am bereft.

untitled

2008-10-25T17:21:00.003-04:00

As life unravels before my eyes i quickly realise that there are no guarantees, no boundaries beyond those in my head , no complete absolutes, no way of being sure that everything will turn out the way i'd like nor think it should. So why strive in a world devoid of certainities? What happens after I lose my will? It's easy to fall into a learned helplessness having had your hopes beaten into the ground before. Yet deep inside something stirs, a flicker of light, a sign of life. The fighter in me will not be staying down, bruised n broken but fighting still.

Why do i weep?

2008-10-19T19:05:00.006-04:00

You ask, Why do i weep?
i weep for years of dreams
for the loss of ideals
for the changes i see ahead
for the sacrifice of so much for so little
for what could have been
but will not have the chance to become
for the difference that i see in you
for the person i know and love,
having to learn to swim in the deep,
for the paths that can only be trod alone,
for the hand i'd gladly give
but cant.
I weep for you.

Life....

2008-10-19T18:41:00.005-04:00

.....and so we learn to start over even as our hearts ache,
we learn to endure present pain for the greater gain,
we learn to hope for brighter days in the midst of darkness
we learn to give even when we feel there is nothing left,
we learn to pick up the pieces ,and start to build again ,
we learn to be stong for those who need us
even as we internally crumble to nothingness.

I measure every Grief I meet (561) -Emily Dickinson.

2008-10-15T20:13:00.008-04:00

I measure every Grief I meet

With narrow, probing, Eyes –

I wonder if It weighs like Mine –

Or has an Easier size.

I wonder if They bore it long

Or did it just begin –

I could not tell the Date of Mine –

It feels so old a pain –

I wonder if it hurts to live –

And if They have to try –

And whether – could They choose between –

It would not be – to die –

I note that Some – gone patient long –

At length, renew their smile –

An imitation of a Light

That has so little Oil –

I wonder if when Years have piled –

Some Thousands – on the Harm –

That hurt them early – such a lapse

Could give them any Balm –

Or would they go on aching still

Through Centuries of Nerve –

Enlightened to a larger Pain –

In Contrast with the Love –

The Grieved – are many – I am told –

There is the various Cause –

Death – is but one – and comes but once –

And only nails the eyes –

There's Grief of Want – and grief of Cold –

A sort they call "Despair" –

There's Banishment from native Eyes –

In Sight of Native Air –

And though I may not guess the kind –

Correctly – yet to me

A piercing Comfort it affords

In passing Calvary –

To note the fashions – of the Cross –

And how they're mostly worn –

Still fascinated to presume

That Some – are like My Own –

***I love this poem.

Secrets

2008-10-13T19:42:00.004-04:00

she walks as if the world is at her feet

her laughter rings like all is well indeed

she flashes a smile at a passerby

stops and cuddles the puppy trotting by

waves at the gray haired man trimming the lush green fence

glances at a couple locked in passionate embrace

it's pretty vibrant.... for a village street

she listens to the crunch of the leaves underneath her feet

she feels the autumn wind blow through her hair

senses the great expectation in the atmosphere

thoughts of the future flash through her mind

settling, skipping then fleeting like butterflies

she turns the corner and the house comes into view,

and the heaviness settles with vigour anew

she slackens her pace-

dreading the loss of personal space,

with a final look she takes it all in

creating a scenic memory,

then she quietly lets herself inside ,

shutting the door ....leaving freedom outside.

her eyes meet a pair of menacing ones and she knows,

she'll need the scenic memory to deal with his pounding blows

.....and a lot more.

Having been out in the open.....

2008-10-11T00:07:00.001-04:00

.....and so you learn to wear masks, you learn to hide behind smiles and cheer, you learn to be there without really being there. Life doesn't always have to be fair....you dared to think it'd be for you. Not everyone is as good as their word. Not even when they promise to. Life has no guarantees...we only lie to ourselves when we say it does. Sometimes you have to give what you can never ask for and then have it not recieved with appreciation as hoped but with quiet indifference. Such foolishness it is to wear one's heart on one's sleeve. Laying things bare is to set up yourself to get burned. It takes just a little exposure to make you vulnerable.... then all it takes is a little tug before you come undone.

thorn in my flesh

2008-10-09T11:41:00.000-04:00

Been thinking about Paul and his thorn....does it always have to hurt for us to be able to remember our humanity and lack of self suffiency? Was there no other way for God to keep Paul focused on him as his Ultimate source? Do we all have to get some form of thorn as loving chastisement when things start to get out of balance? Does need make us more loyal to the one through whom all our needs are supplied? Do we appreciate wholeness more deeply after having been anything less than whole?

thoughts of you

2008-10-02T19:57:00.005-04:00

I'm holding onto a thread
hoping to find you at it's end
we'd barely crossed the threshold
before it was time to go
I dont know whether it makes it better
this having less to miss n remember,
or is it alot worse having
more to wish we'd had the chance for,
sometimes i want to take back all the no's,
wishing you were less of a gentleman,
so you wouldn't ask but just do,
though it's this lack of assumption
that made me first fall in love with you
what if I'd thrown caution to the wind
been more open to the possibility
maybe i would not be so acutely aware
of the a thousand miles or more
between your hands and mine.

little lessons

2008-10-01T19:56:00.002-04:00

I'm learning to wait, to let things take their full course,someone wiser told me to flow with the flow, when something beautiful is meant for you, it'll get to you. So after all the struggling to make things happen that i've been doing, i realise that my life is bigger than me, and someone greater is in control...that means i dont have to swim against the currents, i just gotta put out my sails and trust the wind to carry me to my destiny.

the power within

2008-09-24T19:40:00.003-04:00

Somewhere inside of us
lies hidden the ability to do all the things we'd rather not,
the strength to try a little more when we think couldn't make another step
the nerve to deal with everything that we are afraid of ,
the vitality to start over, when we think we are spent
the assurance that we are uniquely beautiful
and the good sense to be proud of ourselves even when no one is noticing much less applauding,
the ability to live in the present and make the most of now,
the wisdom to live with the knowledge that someone is always going to be better than us at something but that doesn't mean we are not good enough,
the faith that there is always some good that can come out of something bad,
the courage to discover facets of ourselves that we have never known existed,
the patience we need to deal with our own shortcomings and not treat life like a death sentence,
the humility to laugh at ourselves, (and join others as they do)
the capacity to live without regret, for things not done or those done wrong,
and to look back over the years and find that we truly have lived,
like only we could have.

for DARA- with love

2008-09-17T20:01:00.005-04:00

Wondering how you handle
when suddenly life as you know it is no more
trying to embrace fresh beginnings seems easier
when the decision is your own
life presents such promise
then before you know it it's all gone
you may not believe it but yes... i understand
the sadness felt when something ends
before it's even really begun
i pray you can pick up the pieces
and make do with what you've got
i pray that life throws you roses
because that is what beauty like you deserves,
i pray you always are assured of love
even when friends are far and few
and that the beauty of memories
remind you of how much i love you.

The birdie

2008-09-16T15:28:00.004-04:00

Lonely little birdie, perched high on a tree
peering with longing down below
wondering what's in store for me.
Dare i stoop for something great?
a meal? a friend? a dance ?a mate?
Can i leave the comfort of my nest?
i must keep still for fear of death
not with all these what ifs in my head.
A curse it is to live in dread!

You never really get the feeling
when looking from the outside in
you never know the strength of passion
unless you've been locked in it's trance before
you can never master fear
save by leaping headfirst into the unknown....
Don't spend your life like a lonely little birdie
living in regret because you dare not leave the tree.

perchance

2008-09-15T18:09:00.000-04:00

You and me,
thoughts of what could be
Destiny-maybe
or creations of a mind vagile
uncertainty lurks within,
but even stronger a willingness to risk,
this just might be it for me...
the beginning of something infinitely sweet.

at the threshold

2008-09-11T21:18:00.001-04:00

someplace different
someplace new,
someplace where life can take on any hue
perhaps a place for you.